


The Chronic Argonaut

by KKGlinka



Category: Warehouse 13
Genre: F/F, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-11
Updated: 2012-10-11
Packaged: 2017-11-24 01:03:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/628535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KKGlinka/pseuds/KKGlinka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HG takes up fiction writing in the modern age and Myka finds out after the fact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Chronic Argonaut

"I don't want to watch the cartoon. I'm reading a book." Myka kept her gaze on the text, steadfastly refusing to look up at Pete.

"You promised! And you're always reading a book so that doesn't count."

"I am not always reading a book. I'm always on missions getting shot at and coming home exhausted and it's Friday night."

"Yeah and normal people don't read books on date night."

"Pete," she bit out.

He looked up at the ceiling. "Yes, introverts are normal people too but Claudia's like you and she likes cartoons."

"I thought we'd need to wait until the weekend," she said absently, focused on finishing the passage.

"Mykes. Geez. See, this is why you need to watch more TV. Cartoons aren't a Saturday morning thing anymore. There are channels dedicated to them now." He held up a hand when he saw her mouth open. "And, after nine pm, you get adult toons."

"You're not going to make me watch cartoon porn, are you?"

"Anime comes on way later and, no, I won't make you watch it. But only because sometimes there are tentacles. Mostly it's ninjas and magic, though."

Myka shuddered. "You're not making a good case here."

"We're not gonna stay up that late. Now, c'mon or you'll miss the opening credits!" He started hopping from one foot to the other.

Myka got up before he tried pulling on her arm. She book-marked her book, though she could remember her place well enough, setting it on the side table, bracing herself for a half hour of idiocy. She had learned that books without a bookmark typically wound up back on the shelf.

She reached Pete's room to discover Claudia already perched on the bed, with a yellow sheet tied around her neck to approximate a cape. 

"OMG! You got her to come!"

"Yep." Pete wriggled in place, raising his head so he appeared taller and smiling smugly. Then he closed the door behind them, taking care to lock it.

Myka narrowed her eyes at him.

"It's so you don't escape."

"And so you know who doesn't catch us watching," piped in Claudia.

"You know I can just unlock it," Myka said, wondering if the cape had something to do with the show.

Pete and Claudia both shushed her loudly, pointing at the screen, then at the bed. She dutifully sat on the bed, crossing her legs and folding her hands in her lap. She wasn't about to tell her friends that she didn't really mind these educational television sessions. Even if the shows weren't interesting, they did teach her more about the people around her and that was always useful.

Then the opening credits rolled and they involved something that looked like a hovercraft, which left a rainbow vapor trail, teleportation, aliens, various historical settings and a suspiciously familiar looking lead character. The title, 'The Chronic Argonaut', cinched it.

"No," she said.

"Shhhhhh!"

The story opened with HG Wells, and Myka couldn't believe she was using her real name, discussing some problem about aliens in Prague. Then the talking dog appeared and HG addressed him as 'Pete' and Myka was snorting involuntarily. At least no one shushed her then, or any other time she found herself making rude noises at an off-color joke.

It also explained what Helena had been writing so consistently, every week, not to mention her obvious income. Myka had assumed those were Regent meetings and some sort of salary, which hadn't really made sense because every other regent had a regular job. It turned out Helena had embraced modern technology and found a way to tell the truth without violating her contractual limitations. Typical.

Claudia was in the story as a cyborg hacker who could morph her hands into weapons at need. Artie was a sentient, mumbling bear and Myka breathed a sigh of relief when she never appeared. She was able to keep watching until HG visited the alien home world and the alien ambassador began fawning over her, with his tentacle arms. She averted her gaze, cringing, but watching out of the corner of her eye as the alien wrapped his tentacles around HG's arm in his approximation of a handshake, then leaned in to leer suggestively. HG raised an eyebrow and there was a cut scene.

Myka looked back at the screen in sudden and growing horror. "You promised no tentacle porn, Pete."

"Well." He flapped his hands, shrugging. "Aw, c'mon, how was I supposed to know."

"She did write War of the Worlds, Myka," pointed out Claudia, stretching out her arms and flapping them around.

Myka slapped away an arm, then froze, staring at the screen. "No. No."

"Shhhhhh!"

HG had returned to her secret volcano lair covered in purple slime. Claudiaborg raised an eyebrow over one glowing eye but HG warned her not to ask as Pete the dog sniffed the wet footprints she left behind. Then a new voice, from a new character, asked what had happened and why was HG covered in purple goo.

"No!" 

"Crap," said the real Claudia. "I didn't think she was gonna be in this episode."

"Mykes, calm down!" Pete grabbed her from behind, wrapping his arms around her to still the flailing and her attempt to leave the room. "She'll hear you and want to know what's going on in here."

"C'mon," said Claudia, placating, waving a hand toward the screen. "You gotta admit your character is super cool. She's like Kim Possible on steroids."

Myka felt her eye twitch as 'Agent Daring', in a gray suit and black shades, cooly teased HG, who looked forlorn and miserable but as soon as Daring left, HG grinned like an idiot and a little cartoon heard appeared over her head until Pete the dog bit her leg.

Pete released her when the end credits rolled before quickly being tucked into a small corner screen as the channel advertised its next show.

"Agent Daring?" she asked, hearing the venom drip from her voice.

Pete and Claudia exchanged furtive glances before Claudia stuck her tongue out, put her thumb on her nose and waggled her fingers in defiance. "Whaddya gonna do, huh?"

Myka had never wanted, so badly, to slap the new Caretaker.

"Your character is way cooler than mine," Pete said. "I'm a talking dog."

Myka felt her lips twitch.

"And your action figure always sells out."

The imminent smile withered and died. "There's a toy?"

"Well, yeah." Pete shrugged again. "There's toys of all of us."

"And the Time Machine, the ray gun, the wrist watch-"

"Ooh, and Halloween costumes!" Pete crowed.

"Yeah, I so those online! Hey, I can pull up the first episodes if you wanna see how your character was introduced!"

"Yeah!" agreed Pete. 

"No!"

Pete steam-rolled over her objection, saying, "HG needed her brother's magic moustache but it turned out B.A.M.F. had it in their secret bunker but every time HG tried to steal it, Agent Daring would kick her ass-"

"Until finally HG got it back by asking nicely," finished Claudia.

"Bamf?" asked Myka.

"Bad ass mother fucker," explained Claudia.

"I see." The anger had leeched away into a numb shock. "And there's merchandise?"

They nodded.

"And the Regents are okay with this?"

They nodded.

"And Helena is filthy rich, isn't she?"

They shrugged, looked at each other, then hesitantly nodded.

"I'm going to kill her." 

Myka unlocked the door to discover Helena leaning against the wall opposite. Helena was biting her lip but Myka couldn't figure if that was in shame or because she was trying not to grin.

"Do we need to call for help if she starts screaming?"

"No," Myka said, advancing on Helena, who didn't have the sense to run.

"Woof," Pete barked softly, from inside the room just as a neon orange foam dart flew into the hallway, nailing Helena in the chest and distracting her for that one crucial second.

"Put on your shades!" Claudia yelled, before Pete shut the door.


End file.
